Optimism v. Pessimism...Nature or Nurture?

I am a pessimist. I struggle everyday to overcome my pessimism, but I usually loose. So I wonder am I just a negative person, was I born this way, or was it my upbringing? Really I feel like it is a toss up. I think it could go either way or maybe a little of both.

My parents (my mom & step-dad, who I lived with growing up) are two of the most negative people I know. They can always highlight the bad in any situation, and take a doomsday approach to life. As in the world is going to shit, we are all going to die.

The thing is I cannot remember a time when I wasn't a "glass half empty" girl. Even as a child I was negative, as far as I can remember. I've never been a "happy" person. In fact as a child my favorite books (after I finished the Boxcar Children series, we are talking like 8-10yrs old) were about kids with cancer who die. Seriously, I had quite a few of them they are all by the same author, and I LOVED them. They were very sad and every one of them made me cry my eyes out. At the end of the book I would be devastated because I came to love the characters so much, but they all ended the same. Now that I'm writing this I realize that is kinda fucked up. I mean what 10 year old kid wants to read about children with cancer who die if they have no life experience with cancer? And more importantly what parent doesn't think it is a little strange that their 10 year old reads depressing books like that?

I hate being a negative nellie, but I am not sure how to change it. 

UN-Motivated

I am having serious motivation issues in pretty much every aspect of my life.

Work: Where my lack of motivation is the worst. I have things I *should* be doing, but just can't make myself. I also think my unhappiness with work is also cause for lack of motivation in other areas.

Home: My room=disaster. I keep telling myself "ok you are gonna go home today and get it organized!" Instead I sit on the sofa and watch tv, maybe read a book. As for laundry, well, let's just say it is a good thing I have enough underwear to last a few weeks. 

Gym: Haven't worked out all week. Okay, I'll be honest I haven't really worked out consistently for a few months now. I used to have  routine, and I have totally abandoned it. Since I sit behind a desk for nearly 40 hours a week I really should make an effort to go to the gym to get my blood flowing. Not to mention that I am desperately in need of toning. I am blessed in the fact that I am thin and don't have to work at it. People assume because I am not overweight that I am healthy. Not so much. I eat healthy, but I am not nearly as active as I should be which truly is half of being a healthy person.

Blog: I have a few posts that I've started, but am having a hard time finishing. 

My Dog: Needs a bath desperately. She stinks.

I've been thinking that I really need a hobby. I just don't know what it should be. That and hobbies can be expensive. Oh yeah and I have no motivation to figure out what my hobby should be. I think a hobby would be good for me, give me something to do. I really need to find something for myself to focus on. I am just so blah lately.

Why am I here?

Well as I stated in the Pilot I feel like I have some things to get out, and am hoping that writing, well blogging, is the outlet I'm seeking. My therapy if you will. I do not journal for reasons that, at some point, will be discussed here. I am working on finding myself, my voice, and my confidence that got lost somewhere along my journey. I don't consider myself a good writer, but am hoping to surprise myself and push myself by becoming a better, more creative writer.

Another reason I am here is because I LOVE reading blogs. The women, and men, I read inspire me to write and to share myself. I also like the anonymity that blogging can provide. Since I am not sharing this with anyone I know, I feel I can use it as an outlet to discuss issues I am not comfortable discussing otherwise. Maybe, I will even give up my anonymity eventually.

As far as the existential question "Why am I here?" I'm working on that one too. 

Pilot

I've been contemplating beginning a blog for a while now. I feel like I have some things to get out, and what better place to air your dirty laundry, thoughts, feelings, and deepest darkest secrets than on the internet. I should warn you ahead of time that english grammar was not my favorite subject and I enjoy run-on sentences & ellipses. I'm just another southern girl. So, here we go...