I had a fairly enjoyable Thanksgiving. Enjoyable until the inevitable topic of why is Just Another Southern Girl not married came up. I mean she's getting old (27 O.M.G. I'm quickly passing my prime!) and if she wants to have kids she better start working on that. Every family get together it's there is a different offender, with one exception: my mother. My mother makes sure to bring it up every time I see her.
I guess I should own my role in this game. See I haven't told the family that the ex boyfriend and I broke up. It's complicated. Okay that is kind of a lie. It isn't really complicated, it's that I prefer to keep my private life private. More to the point I don't like discussing my relationship or lack thereof with my family. Especially my mother. So, if i told them we broke up then they would ask, then why are you still hanging out with him etc. Which I really don't have an answer too, but that is a whole post in itself. So, I can't say I don't understand why they ask considering, as far as they know, I have been dating someone for nearly 5 years. Though honestly I don't think its anyone's business what your relationship status is, or why you are or are not getting married no matter how long you've been together.
Well last time I saw my mom I was told "Shouldn't you either be moving on or getting married?" Then Thanksgiving it was:
Uncle I don't see very often "So are you seeing anyone"
Me "well yeah i guess something like that"
U "OH! How long have y'all been together"
Me "Ummmmm four and half years ish"
U "SO when are y'all getting married"
Me "....."
U "Well why aren't you?"
Me "Uhh, well, um, we just aren't sure I guess"
U " Well why not" (looking shocked)
Me tries desperately to change the subject
I have had a version of the above conversation with nearly all of my relatives. Sometimes multiple relatives in one day. My mother mentions marriage in one way or another every time I see her. I've been stewing over this recently. This has begun happening in the past six months, and I just don't like it. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. So, I've been thinking about why this gets to me so much, and I don't like the answer I came up with. The reason it bothers me so much is because I DO want to get married, I DO want to have kids (a small herd like 5 or so), and it pisses me off that I don't have that yet. Them bringing the subject up just reminds me that not only do I not have this, but I feel like I am no where near it.
Then I'm pissed at myself because I have wasted at least a year in a "relationship" with someone that I know isn't headed where I want it to go, and even if he did ask me to marry him tomorrow I would have to say no. Which leaves me where I have been the past 2 months. I HAVE to end this "relationship." I am miserable, but can't seem to find the words. I don't communicate with him well at all. Whenever I try to talk to him the words come out wrong, he tries to talk me out of it, or turn the whole situation into there being something wrong with me. He will lay a guilt trip on me:
"We've put so much time into the relationship, why won't you fight for it?"
"You're just not trying hard enough."
" Is it not worth it? It must mean you don't love me."
"We can go to counseling and work it out."
I crumble under guilt trips. My mother groomed me well in that regard. It's infuriating.
