Remembering....

I don't have the best memory, but there are some days that impact your life in such a profound way, you know life as you know it will be changed forever, and you cannot forget.

I remember it was a Tuesday morning sophomore year of college, my first class of the day, women and gender studies, began at 1030am.

I remember I was still in bed when my phone rang around 950am. My mother was on the other end hysterical "Turn on the TV, the World Trade Center..."

I remember being confused by what she was telling me.

I remember getting out of bed,  putting clothes on and going to our student union.

I remember sitting there with other students, right outside the food court, watching the television in disbelief. Many of us crying, wondering how this could possibly be happening. We were all in shock.

I remember thinking that what I was seeing couldn't possibly be reality, I mean, who would crash a plane into a building? What kind of monster would do something so horrific?

I remeber thinking the media was crazy for thinking this could be some kind of accident. Planes don't accidentally crash into buildings.

I remember the footage of the first plane colliding with the tower playing over and over again.

I remember thinking it can't get worse, then on live television the second tower exploded. We quickly find out the impossible has happened, not one, but two planes have hit the towers. Flights 11 and 175.

I remember riping myself away from the TV so I wouldn't be late for class. Getting there and the instructor calling off class.

I remember 30 minutes later panic set in when the Pentagon was hit. What's next?

I remember sitting there feeling powerless, not able to drag myself from the images. 

I remember being horrified hearing people were leaping to their death in an attempt to escape the inferno.

I remember seeing the images replay in my head over and over and over again.

I remember realizing we, as a nation, would never be the same. 

I remember trying to figure out how our nation, one I felt was so powerful and invincible, could have been attacked like this.

I remember thinking to myself I will never, ever, get on a plane again.

I remember the fear, helplessness, insecurity and utter sense of loss I felt.

I will never forget

Reform?

Ahhhhh heath care reform. I'm not going to get all political here, or give my personal opinion on the current reform congress is discussing. I would, however like to address the pharmaceutical industry, or rather the lack of addressing the pharmaceutical industry in the heath care reform discussion. 

I believe they play a MAJOR role in the problems we as a country face when discussing heath care reform. How is it okay to charge someone hundreds or even thousands of dollars for a medication that they need to stay alive? You cannot convince me it costs these companies that much to produce the medication they are selling us.Wouldn't it be advantageous for people to afford the medication that is going to prevent them from having a heart attack, instead of having them pay for the ER visit when they have the heart attack? I'm using a heart attack as an example, but there are many many other illnesses, and major medical problems that could be prevented by addressing the inflation of the prices of prescription medications by pharmaceutical companies I don't know how the CEO's of these companies sleep at night, and it disturbs me that this is not being addressed,  and probably wont be. 

steps off of soapbox

What's Goin On

The past two weeks have been a little crazy. Two weeks ago I was on staycation. I had dreams of cleaning and organizing some things in my apt, and relaxing, reading a book or two. Those dreams were dashed when my a/c broke that Saturday night. Well I usually stay at the ex boyfriend's house on the weekend, so I called my apartment complex to tell them the a/c was broke. I was thinking by the time i got home Sunday night surely my a/c would be fixed. Living in the south without an a/c in the summer is pretty much not an option. Okay I admit it I am a spoiled sissy. I can live without the a/c, hell some people did for a month last summer when hurricane Gustav hit, but it is very uncomfortable, and as I said before I am a sissy. Alas my a/c was not fixed Sunday night. I decide to try to stick it out and stay here anyway, until I woke up at 2am drenched in sweat and decided I would go back to the ex boyfriend's apartment and stay there. Monday rolls around and they "fix" my a/c only what they did, did not in fact fix the a/c. Here comes Tuesday, which quickly becomes a repeat on Monday, and at this point they realize they cannot fix it and have to replace it. Oh yeah and they can't do that until Wednesday. So, half the week is gone, they replace the unit on Wednesday and I have a/c. Hallefreakinlujah! During this half of the week I stayed at the ex boyfriend's because with the temperature getting up into the 90s and the heat index near or over 100 I did not want to stay at my place. So Thursday come and I'm thinking ok I still have two days left to get stuff done. Then the ex boyfriend calls. His hot water heater broke, and since I'm off of work can I go over there and wait for the repairman to come. Of course I go over there, because I can't say no, and he really can't take off of work. Well they didn't show up on Thursday, so I go back on Friday they finally come and I have Friday afternoon to myself. I get nothing done that I wanted to, and was frankly pretty annoyed at this point that my week was filled with broken appliances and I got NOTHING done.  Oh yeah, and worse than not getting anything done there is NO INTERNET at the ex boyfriend's apartment, not even a wireless connection I can steal, which for me is traumatic.

Last week was crazy busy for me, as is this week and will be for the next 4 weeks. This is our busy time at work. One of two months of the year that I absolutely dread. Last week I was playing catch up at work for being out the week before. This week I am getting the most  important, and most dreadful task I must complete finished. I am still not caught up from being off for a week, but I will get there. I am trying to not let all the work stuff stress me out, but this month usually gets the best of me and I want to run away screaming. 

So, I may be scarce for the next few weeks. Not that this will matter to all of the one person who is probably reading this. I am going to the beach this weekend and I am absolutely stoked. The beach is my happy place so I am really looking forward to it, and my pup gets to come with me, she likes the beach too. We can both use the break.

Now I am going back to my pot of coffee and will bust my a$$ for the next few hours and  be productive!

Progress?

So, I have made some progress since my last post. I went to the gym last week, a few times, okay only twice, but I have to start somewhere right? I've made excuses the past couple days, but I am definitely going to yoga tonight, it keeps me sane.

I have put some thought into the whole hobby business, and I've come up with a couple of things I think are financially feasible, and more importantly that I will enjoy and that will provide a creative outlet. I am going to take a cake decorating class, and am also looking into a photography class. I have a pretty decent digital camera and, I think, I could take some good pictures if I had more knowledge of what settings to use etc...Also, there is a beginner's class for photoshop available as well so I am considering taking it too. 

My apartment has been kept up fairly well. My room still has some work that needs to be done, but is looking much better. Part of the problem in my room is lack of space to store things, mainly clothes. However, I am working on a remedy. My dad is going to be selling his house and getting rid of the majority of his furniture (he recently married and is moving in with my step-mom and will not need it anymore). So, in what was my room, is an antique bedroom set. I will be getting the dresser, and if I can find space for it, the vanity as well. This will alleviate my space issue, at which point I will have no excuse for a messy room other than laziness.

As far as the whole watching my tone situation I am a work in progress. I have caught myself a few times and corrected myself, and apologized to the victim, who is usually my ex boyfriend. I think this is the hardest item on my list.

Water is a big fail, you would think it wouldn't be that hard. I guess I shouldn't call it a total fail since I am improving, but I am not where I should be yet. 

I am also considering a career change. I pretty much hate my job. I've been working on a post about that for a while, but just can't seem to get it right. I am not making any quick changes here for a number of reasons. However, I think I have at least figured out what I want to do and am going to take steps towards it. I am pretty sure I want to be a midwife, but I am first going to become a Doula. They don't offer the workshop near where I live so I will have to travel, but they are offering the workshop in Austin, TX. Conveniently enough I have a friend who lives there who I am hoping will lend me her couch for a few days. They have one in September and another in October. They are over a weekend, so I would only have to take off a Friday & Monday from work, which should be a non-issue. I have already purchased the reading material I must complete before going to the workshop. I am pretty excited because I have been struggling with hating my job, but needing my job because I have bills to pay. However, I'm still pretty nervous about finding a job in this field. I know of one agency in my area that provides doula services, but I haven't contacted them to find out if they want/need another one.  I figure I need to take it one step at a time, and will contact them once I have attended the workshop. Also, in order to become certified I will have to attend live births, of course, and conveniently enough my cousin just found out she is pregnant so I am hoping she will allow me to be there with her. 

Steps to becoming a happier, healthier, more well adjusted person...

1. Diet - and by diet i don't mean I am on a diet. I pay attention to what I eat, and eat as healthily as I can. I try to eat as many fresh fruits and veggies as possible, and try to avoid eating anything that contains ingredients that I cannot pronounce, and are obviously not natural. A side note to unnatural ingredients, go read the ingredient list on margarine, it's appalling and does not contain anything that grows naturally, in fact I cannot pronounce the majority of the ingredients, I'm just sayin. I do not drink soft drinks, or really anything other than water, milk, fruit juice and occasionally iced tea. In addition to this I also try to eat as much locally (I define local by food grown/produced/harvested in my state) produced food as possible. If you are curious as to why read In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto, by Michael Pollan this has some of the reasons. I am very passionate about this. I won't lie it isn't cheap or easy, and there are certain things I just can't get locally. However, I think this is best for me in the long run. I think the added cost is worth it not only to my health but also to the environment. I could write a whole post on this so I will stop here for now....

2. Exercise - I go through phases with my exercise regimen. I will do very well for a while, going to the gym at least 3 times a week and making sure I am active, but I seem to keep falling off the exercise wagon. So, I got back on starting this past Friday. Last night I went to yoga class, and  I am either going to take another class tonight or go use a machine this evening for at least 30 minutes. I must get back into the habit of working out regularly.

3. Tidiness - I am a messy person, always have been, but I am trying to get it under control. So far so good. I have been keeping up with the common areas in my apartment pretty well the past few weeks. Now, I need to move on to my room, which has greatly improved, but is not where I want it to be. This is one of the issues that has been a HUGE problem in the relationship between me and my ex boyfriend. He is a neat freak, and I am the opposite. Frankly, I drive myself crazy with it as well no matter how much I try to convince myself that it isn't a problem I know that it is.

4. Water - I hear conflicting data on this, some people say you should drink 64oz of water a day, but I also hear you are supposed to drink half your body weight (in oz) of water a day. Either way I do not drink enough water. So, I am paying attention to how much water I drink and increasing my water consumption.

5. Verbal Tone - This one is pretty big. I have a tendency to catch a negative/bitchy tone when speaking to people without realizing it. I have been trying to figure out why I do this, and all I've come up with so far is that I become defensive, many times for no reason. I think I am always waiting to be verbally attacked or have to defend what I say. I am not sure why, and I realize that this is fairly irrational. Also, if I am annoyed or upset over something it comes through in my voice. Therefore, I have a bad tone with people even if they are not the reason I am upset which is not okay. I am not someone who hides it well when I am upset, it is usually pretty apparent to anyone with whom I come in to contact. So, I am trying to pay attention to this, and correct it. I think this will be the most difficult item on my list to conquer.

6. Finding a Hobby - I really need a hobby. I would like to do something artistic. Most of my dad's family is very artistically creative. Grammy - paints, quilts and sews, Aunt- makes glass beads and jewelry, Aunt- made (she recently passed) stained glass & painted, Uncle - should have been an architect, he can build anything. So I feel like I should have some kind of artistic ability in my genes. I have 2 problems though. One, I have no idea what my hobby should be. Two, most artistic hobbies are expensive. I would love to do glass blowing, but that requires some pretty serious equipment and money. I've considered scrap booking, but I just don't feel like that is what  I want. That can get pretty expensive too. Maybe I'll take a cake decorating class, hmmmmm, I will have to seriously consider this one.

So, I figure this is a starting point at least, and will adjust my list as necessary. 

Optimism v. Pessimism...Nature or Nurture?

I am a pessimist. I struggle everyday to overcome my pessimism, but I usually loose. So I wonder am I just a negative person, was I born this way, or was it my upbringing? Really I feel like it is a toss up. I think it could go either way or maybe a little of both.

My parents (my mom & step-dad, who I lived with growing up) are two of the most negative people I know. They can always highlight the bad in any situation, and take a doomsday approach to life. As in the world is going to shit, we are all going to die.

The thing is I cannot remember a time when I wasn't a "glass half empty" girl. Even as a child I was negative, as far as I can remember. I've never been a "happy" person. In fact as a child my favorite books (after I finished the Boxcar Children series, we are talking like 8-10yrs old) were about kids with cancer who die. Seriously, I had quite a few of them they are all by the same author, and I LOVED them. They were very sad and every one of them made me cry my eyes out. At the end of the book I would be devastated because I came to love the characters so much, but they all ended the same. Now that I'm writing this I realize that is kinda fucked up. I mean what 10 year old kid wants to read about children with cancer who die if they have no life experience with cancer? And more importantly what parent doesn't think it is a little strange that their 10 year old reads depressing books like that?

I hate being a negative nellie, but I am not sure how to change it. 

UN-Motivated

I am having serious motivation issues in pretty much every aspect of my life.

Work: Where my lack of motivation is the worst. I have things I *should* be doing, but just can't make myself. I also think my unhappiness with work is also cause for lack of motivation in other areas.

Home: My room=disaster. I keep telling myself "ok you are gonna go home today and get it organized!" Instead I sit on the sofa and watch tv, maybe read a book. As for laundry, well, let's just say it is a good thing I have enough underwear to last a few weeks. 

Gym: Haven't worked out all week. Okay, I'll be honest I haven't really worked out consistently for a few months now. I used to have  routine, and I have totally abandoned it. Since I sit behind a desk for nearly 40 hours a week I really should make an effort to go to the gym to get my blood flowing. Not to mention that I am desperately in need of toning. I am blessed in the fact that I am thin and don't have to work at it. People assume because I am not overweight that I am healthy. Not so much. I eat healthy, but I am not nearly as active as I should be which truly is half of being a healthy person.

Blog: I have a few posts that I've started, but am having a hard time finishing. 

My Dog: Needs a bath desperately. She stinks.

I've been thinking that I really need a hobby. I just don't know what it should be. That and hobbies can be expensive. Oh yeah and I have no motivation to figure out what my hobby should be. I think a hobby would be good for me, give me something to do. I really need to find something for myself to focus on. I am just so blah lately.

Why am I here?

Well as I stated in the Pilot I feel like I have some things to get out, and am hoping that writing, well blogging, is the outlet I'm seeking. My therapy if you will. I do not journal for reasons that, at some point, will be discussed here. I am working on finding myself, my voice, and my confidence that got lost somewhere along my journey. I don't consider myself a good writer, but am hoping to surprise myself and push myself by becoming a better, more creative writer.

Another reason I am here is because I LOVE reading blogs. The women, and men, I read inspire me to write and to share myself. I also like the anonymity that blogging can provide. Since I am not sharing this with anyone I know, I feel I can use it as an outlet to discuss issues I am not comfortable discussing otherwise. Maybe, I will even give up my anonymity eventually.

As far as the existential question "Why am I here?" I'm working on that one too. 

Pilot

I've been contemplating beginning a blog for a while now. I feel like I have some things to get out, and what better place to air your dirty laundry, thoughts, feelings, and deepest darkest secrets than on the internet. I should warn you ahead of time that english grammar was not my favorite subject and I enjoy run-on sentences & ellipses. I'm just another southern girl. So, here we go...